My Breastfeeding Journey

Taking care of our babies is such a beautiful journey - we learn, evolve and grow as parents each step of the way, especially in the first few weeks. A large part of that journey revolves around feeding and as special as that experience is for us as Mothers, it can also be incredibly complicated, challenging and even heartbreaking at moments.

Just like I didn’t have a set “birth plan” I didn’t have a set “feeding plan”. I know for many that sounds like chaos, but I feel that flexibility is critical with a newborn. I’d rather adapt and be responsive to the reality in front of me than try to fit a new baby and a new skill into a plan that I created before my baby arrived and before I became a mother (hormonally speaking). That meant that I was open to any and all ways of making sure my son got the nutrition and calories he needed from day 1 - that was the only priority. If that plan meant breastfeeding, great! If that plan incorporated formula, wonderful. If that meant we did a hybrid, love it.

From the beginning, I have tried to not attach value to how Santi ate, and trust me, that has not been easy and it’s still not easy. There are so many messages and opinions about feeding and if I listened to every whisper and noise, I’d go crazy. So instead, I try to focus on the fact that I am doing my best for my son every minute of every day.

Santi latched right from the start, my doula helped me in those first few hours and from then on he was good to go. I had a c-section so naturally I was concerned about milk production but I’m lucky that by the time I left the hospital, my milk was in. Keeping it there has been another battle but it’s getting better little by little. Along the way, I’ve heard all of the advice about what to eat and drink but to be honest, I’m not going to force myself to eat food I don’t like or drink teas that aren’t tasty so I’m here to say, give yourself permission to skip all of that if it’s not for you. You can still breastfeed successfully without all of that.

For the first month, Santi was exclusively breastfed. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I’m so proud of us for making it through. It’s been so hard and this past weekend I felt like I was in a losing battle with breastfeeding. I expressed some of these concerns with y’all in my Instagram Stories and you. were. amazing! THANK YOU for the support…as a new and learning mom, I’m so appreciative of all the love, kindness, and encouragement you sent me. You made me feel seen, supported, and like I’m not alone.

At week 5, we decided to introduce a bottle for one overnight feed or one early AM feed so Dad or our NCS could feed him and I could get a much needed and well deserved break, especially on the really difficult days. I thought long and hard about that decision and the one thing that helped tremendously was hiring a lactation consultant. It’s money very well spent, especially if you find a good one who will come to your home and spend a few hours with you and your baby. On her first visit, my consultant helped make sure Santi was of course latched correctly, but she also helped make me more comfortable by suggesting different positions and techniques. Yes, I could have watched a YouTube video but I was so nervous to change our position for fear of ruining his latch and moving a newborn around when you're a first time mom can be very scary. She was also instrumental in helping me figure out how to pump more efficiently. I knew I would have to pump in order to give Santi a bottle and I was struggling to produce more than 1-1.5 oz each pump session. By fitting me with the right size flange, creating a custom program on my Spectra Gold and a pumping schedule for me, she helped increase my output and she gave me freedom! Yes, freedom to be away from my home for even just one feed. I can’t tell you how liberating that is and how good it feels to not be the only source of food for my baby. She answered any and all of my questions without judgement or shame. Having her as a resource during and after her visit - we text almost everyday- has been so comforting on days when I feel like totally giving up on breastfeeding.

BTW, just writing that sentence above makes me feel some kind of way - it’s a mix of shame and sadness but then there’s also relief. At this moment, I’m so happy Santi’s getting all of the amazing benefits of breastfeeding - nutrition, immunity and selfishly, I love that it’s our special time together. Some nights, when it’s late and dark and I’m exhausted on the verge of giving up, all it takes is one look from him to make me keep going. My heart sings when he looks up at me while he’s feeding with those big beautiful eyes.

Personally, I don’t have a set timeline or goal date for breastfeeding. I know everyone’s breastfeeding journey is different, so I’m taking it feed-by-feed and I’m trying not to stress about it too much. I know I have options and exploring those options is something I’m giving myself permission to do.

I'll keep y’all updated on how we’re doing and what ends up working for us, but wherever you are in your journey just remember, every journey looks different. No book, expert, IG account or nosy relative can give your baby what he / she needs -- that role is a privilege and uniquely yours so allow yourself the space and grace to do what’s best for your baby... and only you know exactly what that is. :)