Letter to Santi

As mothers, we find ourselves immersed in a world of boundless love, endless joys, and challenges that test our strength and resilience. It's a journey where two hearts beat as one, where we witness the beauty of life unfolding through the innocent eyes of our children. Recently, I put pen to paper to express the ineffable emotions that motherhood has awakened within me. I wrote a letter to him on the eve of his birthday, which is something I’ve done since the day he was born.

“Mommy, how do you love me so much”?

There’s two of me and one of you.

You look up at me through those beautiful lashes, eyes bright. Equal parts curiosity, equal parts joy.

Wearing a smile so wide I can see each perfect tiny tooth. 

And then in a voice so sweet it somehow makes me cry, you say “No Mommy” and throw your head back in delight over how silly I sound to you at this very moment. 

As the giggles grow— first across your face then down into your body I take them all in. 

Wishing I could relive your laughter in slow motion— so I don’t miss a single frame. 

“Yes Santi”, I say back. 

There’s two of me and one of you.

The me with you. 

And the me you’ve never met.

The me who wanted to feel whole.

The me who longed to heal.

The me who felt you in her heart—

before she felt you in her belly.

The me before I met you. 

You’re too little to understand today, but my sweet boy, one day, I promise to tell you all about her. 

About her fears, her heartbreaks and her ultimate surrender.

I expect you’ll have plenty of questions and I’ll try my best to wrap those answers in the love and grace I know she deserves.

So next time you wonder “Mommy how do you love me so much”?

Just remember.

There’s two of me and one of you