Giving Birth My Way
Something I’m so grateful for at this point in my life is that I’m not afraid to ask for what I want, especially when it comes to my physical and mental well-being. I’ve learned that you are always your own best health advocate, along with the importance of physicians who are supportive and partners in your medical journey, however that may unfold.
Before I even got pregnant, I had a feeling that a vaginal delivery was not something I was going to be comfortable with. Just the thought created a lot of anxiety and stress for me, so I took it upon myself to interview and speak with as many women as I could about labor and delivery. Like real talk — not the glossy, IG-edited version. I heard from friends, colleagues, and medical professionals who bravely shared their experiences; some were amazing, some were terrifying and some were in between. After these conversations, I did a lot of research and reflection and ultimately decided when / if I had the privilege of getting pregnant, a planned C-section would likely be the right and best choice for me. So when I started looking for an OBGYN here in LA, I needed to find a physician who would be open to listening to my concerns and respecting my choices, if and when I decided on an elective C-section. Luckily, I found Dr. Rashmi Rao at UCLA and we both agreed, that there’s no one way to bring your baby into the world. The goal was simple — a safe and healthy delivery.
At week 24 Dr. Rao informed me that Baby M (we didn’t know the sex then) was breech but she said there was plenty of time for him to turn and in case he didn’t, she knew I would be comfortable with the alternative. Over the course of the next 10 weeks, I took a deep dive into C-sections. I read countless articles, did hours of research, studied personal blogs, and watched one too many videos on YouTube (don’t recommend that) so that I could inform myself as best as possible. I needed to understand the procedure but more importantly, the physical and emotional impact of having major surgery and going home with a newborn.
In my research, I also sadly uncovered so many disturbing judgments and falsehoods that exist around C-sections, especially from mothers who relentlessly shame and prey on other mothers who opt for an elective C or who have to have one for medical reasons. I read countless blogs and comments where women had shared that “their birth wasn’t a real birth because they had a C-section” — as if a C is some kind of easy way out of labor and delivery. I read post after post of women shaming themselves as if they were less than other moms for bringing their angels into this world via surgery instead of vaginally. It made me so sad and MAD that women would do this to themselves and each other.
But there was a silver lining, late one night I came across an article that introduced me to a gentle cesarean:
“A gentle C-section (also called natural cesarean or family-centered birth) is a surgical birth that incorporates various aspects of an unmedicated vaginal birth. It’s intended to take the sterile environment of the operating room and make it more friendly and welcoming to things like immediate skin-to-skin contact, breastfeeding, and overall bonding time in those first moments after delivery.”
As soon as I started reading about women’s experiences with gentle C’s I knew I wanted to incorporate elements of this into my own delivery. Luckily, Dr. Rao and the staff at UCLA also supported my wishes and together we agreed well in advance of my delivery what that would look like in the OR — I wanted delayed cord clamping, limited medical intervention which means as few steps as possible before giving the baby to me — so no cleaning of the vernix, no weighing. And most important to me, skin-to-skin contact as soon as medically possible if all was good with baby and Mom during the procedure.
Fast forward to week 34 — Baby M stayed in the same breech position and Dr. Rao said I had the option to “turn” the baby via an external cephalic version (ECV). I knew the procedure could be very uncomfortable and painful so I passed and looked for a more natural option. Baby M had his head so far into my ribs that I was having trouble breathing and as he got bigger, I got more and more uncomfortable so my doula suggested acupuncture, some chiropractic adjustments, and moxibustion. And hallelujah, it worked! At week 37 he turned! But by that point, I was already steadfast in my decision to have a gentle C-section and there was no looking back. And trust me, many people tried to talk me out of it … but I knew what felt right for me and I stayed true to my intentions so we scheduled my delivery for Monday, July 19th at 11 am.
That last weekend before Santi’s arrival, I watched an unhealthy amount of my favorite reality show, 90 Day Fiancé, ate very light (great advice from my friend Sara), drank a ton of water, and tried to sleep as much as possible. Oh and I treated myself to an at-home blowout with my stylist. I knew I’d be at the hospital for a few nights w/o a shower and that there would be countless photos so I wanted to at least make an attempt at looking like myself! Looking back, that blowout was one of the best things I did for myself and I highly recommend it to any expecting Mom out there. I felt beautiful and strong and confident and best of all, like myself when it came time to finally meet Santi!
I arrived at the hospital that morning feeling excited, nervous, and anxious for what was ahead. I settled into my room, changed into my gown and had my IV put in. Once that went it, I knew it was go time. My anxiety skyrocketed and I started to shake a little — something that would continue until the surgery was over.
Once we got the green light I walked into the OR and received my epidural. I was terrified of the procedure, but it honestly didn’t hurt very much at all. It felt like a light sting in my back and w/in minutes it took effect. I could feel the lower half of my body start to go warm and numb and then it hit me - in less than 30 minutes, I would finally meet Baby M!
Dr. Rao and her team at UCLA got to work promptly and I have to say they were all incredible. They kept the energy in the room positive, tried to make me laugh and most of all tried their best to comfort me b/c boy did I need it. I couldn’t stop shivering but I wasn’t cold - turns out shaking is just one of the side effects of the epidural but it made me super uncomfortable and made me feel out of control. I hated that feeling and before I knew it I was crying out of both fear and anxiety. I’ve never really felt anything like this before. My anesthesiologist, Jeremy, who was a riot (loved his vibe in the OR, we need more Jeremy’s in the medical field), kept reassuring me that all was fine and to focus on my breath. Trust me, all those breathing exercises I had been practicing really helped.
But what really got me though my fear and the uncontrollable shaking was my husband. Patrick popped my AirPods into my ears and played DJ through most of the surgery. He made a special playlist for Santi and I and kept me focused on the task at hand — to bring our baby into the world calmly, safely and happy. He must have said “look at me” and “stay with me” a hundred times. I love him so so much. I’m so lucky to have him by side for life.
At 12:39 pm, Dr. Rao announced that we had a son. I heard him before I saw him and then she held his tiny quivering, red body over the drape and I swear my heart burst into a million little pieces. Since the entire team in the OR knew I had elected for a gentle C, they waited about 2 minutes before they clamped the cord and took him for about 30 seconds (with Dad in tow) to get a blanket and hat. All I remember is saying to Jeremy, “bring me my baby!” I think I might have said it at least 5 times. Those 30 seconds felt like forever but before I knew it, Patrick was back at my side and Santi was on my chest for some skin to skin. Playing in my ear was one of my all-time favorite songs: Ojos de Sol. Download it, it’s truly beautiful.
Ok, back to the OR. The second they brought the baby to me, I instantly stopped shaking. It was incredible. On the other side of the curtain, the doctor was literally putting me back together while Santi stayed sweetly on my chest. In those first minutes we shared together the whole world stopped. All of the pain, loss and heartache I had felt for the last six years transformed - not that it went away, but it felt resolved in a way that I’m still trying to better understand for myself. I could have looked at him for the rest of my life just right there. We were in the most cold and sterile environment imaginable — but the warmth and complete wholeness I felt with him on my chest and Patrick by my side is a sensation that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
As soon as Dr. Rao said she was finished, she came over to me, held my hand, told me that I did beautifully and reassured me that everything had gone exceptionally well. She even had me put my hand over my belly to feel where my son used to be. It was an experience I’ll never forget and I am so grateful for this medical team and everyone at the hospital.
As I was wheeled into the recovery room I had no idea what I was in store for. While the surgery was challenging, the next few days in the hospital and going home would ultimately be the biggest challenge yet ...more on that next week!
But for now, I know many of you reading this are moms, soon to be moms or thinking about being a mom so please know that in whatever stage of pregnancy, pre-pregnancy, or postpartum you’re in, you can ask for what you believe is in your best interest. You have a voice. Don’t be afraid to use it.
