Childcare: It Takes A Village
If you own a smartphone, in your pocket you carry the power to broadcast your life and experiences to people all over the world at any moment. When you think about it, this technology was a not-too-distant past’s version of a sci-fi future. And yet, it seems like we are continuing to judge each other on antiquated and gendered biases and expectations.
Recently, I traveled to New York for a work trip and as I was planning my son’s schedule for the week along with his menu for my nanny and my husband, I wanted to be fully transparent with my community about what it took in terms of man hours and preparations for me to be able to work away from home for a week.
Why, you might ask? Well, over the last 20 months, I observed that many working moms that I follow on social media never really shared that information. It left me wondering how they were able to travel so frequently for work with partners that work full-time and without family nearby. As my son got older and as I longed to return to a more full-time work schedule, those questions started to turn into a set of unattainable standards that made me feel less than and made me wonder if they could do it, what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I able to “do it all”?
After having more private conversations with my Mom network and doing some more research, I realized they don’t. They just share as if they do – but behind the scenes is an invisible network of childcare often made up of a nanny, babysitters or even family help. The reality is we can’t do it without extra help – but propagating this toxic idea that they somehow manage to do it all and have it all while pursuing a fulfilling and successful career is damaging and unrealistic. So, I felt like this was the right time for me to share a more honest and responsible version of reality.
Both my husband and I work incredibly demanding full-time jobs, and (as I think all parents everywhere would agree) we are also always full-time parents. The fact of the matter is that this life we’ve built and worked for doesn’t happen without an entire community of caretakers. This trusted and beloved community includes not only family and friends, but also our fantastic nanny, Brittany.
Brittany is so much more to us than that – she’s become a part of our family. But that’s not the point. When I shared our family’s childcare strategy with my network on social media, I received a lot of support, but I also had to read through many insensitive, disparaging, and frankly rude comments simply based on my sharing that instead of daycare (outside the home) or family care, we utilize paid, in-home childcare with a single caregiver, aka, a nanny.
It seems to me that while most people are open about sharing that they have unpaid help in the form of family and/or friends or rely on a daycare to provide them the support to work full time, paid help seems to have a sort of stigma attached to it. Perhaps it signals some kind of privilege that makes some people uncomfortable but given the current cost of private daycare in 2023, that viewpoint is truly outdated. And while some days I long for the structure of a more traditional 9-5 job, the reality is my schedule doesn't fit within the standard offerings of daycare hours so the only solution for our family is a nanny. And trust me, I know how hard we have to work and how fortunate we are to be able to budget for that each month.
The bottom line is the choices my husband and I have made are right for our family. Full stop. That’s all that truly matters. Though our societal standards of motherhood (all parenthood) are incredibly fraught in this country, and chalk-full of dated, biased, and often impossible expectations, women should empower each other by withholding judgment when someone’s village looks different than our own – including when that village might involve, alongside unpaid family and friends, additional paid childcare. Projecting any kind of shame and judgment on working mothers (this really extends to all working parents) propagates feelings of isolation and pressure, often intensifying feelings that already exist for many parents who want to do it well and provide and care for their families.
No matter what childcare looks like in your home, we can all agree that it really does take a village.